If you have two or more children, you probably know it well: a harmless game turns into a heated argument in a second, there’s shouting, sometimes tears, other times offended silence. You may already be asking yourself: Am I doing something wrong? Why are my children always mad at each other? It may surprise you that conflicts are a completely normal part of sibling relationships—and in fact, they’re even important for their psychological development! The difference lies in how we handle arguments as parents. We can ignore or suppress them, or we can make the most of them and use them to teach children essential life skills.
1. Why sibling conflicts happen
Sibling conflicts are common in almost every family. The main cause of most quarrels is the attempt to gain parents’ attention and favor, which is a natural phenomenon stemming from children’s developmental needs. Children at different ages are forming their identity and testing their authority—often in comparison with a sibling. This goes hand in hand with feelings of jealousy and rivalry, which are perfectly normal and natural. These emotions peak when a new sibling arrives in the family or when one child reaches a “milestone” (for example, starting school), which the other may perceive as a threat to their position.
Children’s temperament matters too: some siblings are competitive and energetic, others are calmer or especially sensitive, which can create misunderstandings and friction. Age gap also plays a role—conflicts are more frequent when children are close in age, though sometimes less intense because they understand each other in play. Conversely, with a larger age gap, arguments often arise from differing interests or levels of maturity.
From a psychological perspective, it’s completely normal that younger children don’t yet regulate their emotions or know how to resolve misunderstandings other than by shouting or crying. Older siblings may see arguments as a space to assert their “self” and to practice arguing or negotiating. It’s not only parenting that matters—the home atmosphere and the behavior models children observe in parents and other adults play a role as well.
Disagreements are safe “training grounds” for future relationships with peers and adults. Problems arise when conflicts slide into bullying, dominance, or long-term alienation. In such cases, it’s time to change your approach or seek professional help.
2. The parent’s role in resolving sibling conflicts
It’s natural to want to calm an argument immediately, but not every situation requires an adult’s intervention. If the children aren’t hurting themselves or each other physically and it isn’t a long-standing unresolved issue, it’s worth letting them try to resolve it on their own. That’s how they learn social skills like negotiation, empathy, and assertiveness.
If you do step in, it’s crucial to remain neutral. Avoid labeling, blaming, or favoring one child (often based on age or gender). Be careful about interpreting behavior with phrases like “you’re older/more sensible, so give in,” which can undermine self-confidence and trust in both children. A better approach is to acknowledge both viewpoints and offer space to express feelings (for example: “I can see that upset you. Can you tell me why?”).
A parent should be an active role model. When a child sees an adult communicate calmly, apologize or admit a mistake, and look for win–win solutions, they adopt these strategies. If, however, a child repeatedly sees shouting, unequal attention, or judgments like “you’re always the naughty one,” it strengthens defensive mechanisms and rivalry.
Co-creating family rules works very well. Create a simple, clear plan for what to do in conflict (“we don’t hit,” “we solve arguments with words,” “if we don’t want something, we say it clearly and politely”). It’s helpful to keep these principles visible (for example, as a poster in the kids’ room) and to repeat them regularly. Children then know that the rules apply to everyone, without exception, and they find security and predictability in them.
3. How to teach children to communicate and solve problems
The key to reducing escalation between siblings is to develop children’s communication skills and their ability to name and share emotions. Children usually pick up communication from their surroundings—they imitate parents, siblings, and even characters from stories. Formal learning of assertive expression is often missing, so it’s important to be intentional about this at home.
Show children that instead of “You destroy everything of mine!” they can say: “I’m upset that my thing got broken.” This prevents escalation because blaming usually triggers a knee-jerk defense, while sharing feelings opens the door to understanding. Practice describing emotions at home through games (“emotion game”—for example, mimicking a facial expression for a given feeling) or by talking together about what the kids experienced today at preschool or school and how it made them feel.
The second key skill is listening. Encourage children to take turns speaking and to repeat back what they heard (“Quick reflect: I hear that you want to play for five more minutes. Would you like to play together after that?”). Teach them to notice nonverbal cues (facial expression, tone of voice), which is often more effective with younger children than verbal communication.
A practical tool for parents is to create “talk spaces”—moments when you sit together (say, after dinner or before bedtime) and openly discuss experiences, including negative ones—without fear of punishment. Regular dialogue builds trust, into which children naturally bring their disputes as well.
Using stories and fairy tales that model conflict situations and their resolution can also be a powerful aid. Children like to identify with characters in whom they recognize themselves. A follow-up discussion about the story—what someone did well, what could be tried differently—helps transfer skills from the fictional world to real life.
4. The influence of parenting, family environment, and rituals
The family atmosphere, parents’ values, and parenting style fundamentally shape how turbulent or calm the children’s relationships will be. A positive, safe, and open environment prevents destructive conflicts because children absorb the family’s model for responding to disagreements. It matters, for example, whether there is shouting and threats of punishment, or whether feelings are expressed and different opinions respected.
Shared family rituals (family dinners, bedtime reading, a regular family outing) strengthen a sense of belonging and family atmosphere. This reduces uncertainty and the need for attention—a major trigger of conflicts. Small one-on-one moments with a parent (for example, evening cuddles, a walk together) also boost children’s confidence and reduce the need to “fight” for a parent’s favor by competing with a sibling.
Comparison is a big stumbling block (“Kája always does his homework on his own; why don’t you?”). Comparing children with each other unfortunately raises tension even when there was objectively no problem between them. Every child has their own pace. Actively avoid ridicule or reinforcing roles like “you’re the naughty one, he’s the good one”.
5. Age, developmental stages, and temperament differences
Each developmental stage has its specifics that are reflected in the causes and forms of conflict. The youngest children—toddlers and preschoolers—are only just discovering their “self.” Sharing toys or attention can be difficult because the child’s ego is at the center of everything and empathy is only beginning to develop. Frequent disputes therefore arise from very concrete triggers (“that’s mine,” “I want to go first”), and children mainly need clear guidance, consistency, and patience.
With the start of school, rules become more important. School-age children see the value of compromise and can understand another’s perspective. Parents can move more into the facilitator role and rely on children’s negotiating skills. Personality differences now come to the fore: extroverts tend to be louder; introverts may “sulk” or set boundaries through passive resistance.
Adolescence brings new challenges—the “power struggle” and the drive for independence become very intense. The older sibling seeks their own space; the younger wants to be part of the crowd. A common source of conflict is sharing a room or belongings, given very different needs (quiet, privacy vs. company, play). Parents must set clear boundaries and offer ways to step back—such as time-sharing a room or agreeing on personal items.
6. Preventing conflicts—building relationships and cooperation
Prevention is always easier than putting out fires later. The best way to reduce the intensity and frequency of sibling disputes is to invest in shared activities that strengthen their relationship. Ideal are activities where children can achieve a common goal—for example, puzzles, building sets, crafts, board or cooperative games. When both children see that the joint project won’t happen without mutual help (building a fort, baking a pie), they naturally have more motivation to agree and cooperate.
Teaching empathy and respect is a long-term process. With young children, start with role modeling scenarios (“How would you feel if someone took your favorite toy?”) and praise when the child apologizes or shares. With older children, reflecting on the argument helps—discuss together what could have been done better, without blame, and support the search for compromises.
7. The most common parental mistakes and their consequences
Sometimes, with the best of intentions, parents make mistakes that unintentionally deepen sibling conflicts. Top of the list is the constant urge to solve every conflict for the children. If a parent immediately decides on the “culprit and the winner,” children don’t develop their own strategies and often continue the battle for an adult’s attention and approval. It’s better to give children time and space, avoid quick judgments, and instead coach them to find solutions themselves.
Another mistake is prioritizing or favoring one child—for example because they are younger, more sensitive, or simply “in sync” with the parent. Over time, this deepens jealousy, resentment, and lowers both children’s self-esteem. Children quickly learn to “negotiate” with the parent they feel is on their side, and rivalry only grows.
Comparing, whether out loud (“Why aren’t you like your brother?”) or in your thoughts, is another common mistake. Be careful with well-meant advice like “you must give in to the younger/older one.” If a child feels their needs are consistently sidelined or minimized, they will either push back hard (conflicts increase) or shift their dissatisfaction elsewhere (problems at school, with peers). Prevention lies mainly in active listening, setting shared boundaries, and modeling fair solutions.
8. Specific situations and how to handle them
There are moments when sibling tension rises even more than usual—for example, the arrival of a new baby, one child starting school, moving house, parents’ divorce, or another major change. These milestones can strain relationships because they overturn familiar certainties and trigger fears of losing attention or safety.
When a new sibling arrives, try to involve the older child in care (within their abilities—for example, fetching diapers, bringing a toy), reinforce their sense of specialness, and preserve one-on-one time with a parent. Allow them to voice negative emotions like “I don’t like that there’s a new baby brother.” Negative feelings are okay and should be accepted without belittling.
Parental divorce is an extremely challenging situation that can trigger a wave of conflicts between children, because each child experiences sadness and uncertainty differently. Offer children regular space to express feelings, and strive for the fairest possible division of time and attention. If intense rivalry or anxiety persists over time, consider consulting a family psychologist or therapist.
Many studies show that the ability to find compromise, defend your own boundaries, and show empathy is a cornerstone of lifelong cohesion. The sibling bond is often the longest and strongest relationship a person forms.
The keys are early prevention, patient communication, clear rules, and above all—supporting cooperation and empathy instead of competing for parental favor. It’s important not to take on the role of referee, but rather to be a guide who gives children trust, competence, and a sense of safety.