A child suddenly and intensely starts crying the moment you leave the room. If this happens often, one possible explanation is separation anxiety. Separation anxiety typically appears already in infancy and is a natural part of a child’s development. Even so, it can be stressful for the whole family.
This anxiety is actually a strong emotional experience for the child who is afraid of separation (being apart) from parents or close caregivers. In this article, we explain the causes, signs, and ways to address separation anxiety in children.
What exactly is separation anxiety, and when does it usually occur?
Separation anxiety can be defined as a child's fear of separation from loved ones and most often occurs when the child is separated from the mother or another primary caregiver. It usually appears in infancy, between 6 and 8 months of age, when the child starts to perceive the surroundings more and better distinguishes familiar people from strangers.
It is known that the peak of separation anxiety occurs around the first year, and in some cases it can last up to 3–4 years of age. It gradually fades as development progresses, but the intensity and duration vary greatly not only by age but also by the child’s individual characteristics.
From a psychological point of view, it is a natural response in a child to becoming aware of their own existence and dependence on parents. It is a sign of healthy emotional development, when the child forms important emotional bonds.
What are the signs of separation anxiety?
The most common and obvious sign is crying when a parent leaves. In infants and toddlers it also shows up as anxiousness, the need for constant presence of the mother, excessive clinginess, and restlessness.
In older children, anxiety can cause stomachaches, headaches, or problems with sleep or eating. Resistance to going to preschool, to grandparents, or elsewhere without parents is also typical.
A very common sign is clinging to toys, blankets, or stuffed animals that give the child a sense of safety and serve as a substitute for the presence of a familiar adult. Parents should carefully observe their child, note situations in which symptoms of anxiety occur, and try to distinguish whether it is a short-term episode or a long-term problem.
Why might your child be experiencing separation anxiety?
A child with a more sensitive nervous system may perceive separation more dramatically. The family context also plays a big role. Major changes, such as moving, the birth of a sibling, family conflicts, or starting preschool can trigger or intensify separation anxiety.
You need not worry that separation anxiety means you have done something wrong. It is a natural developmental phase that every child experiences to a greater or lesser extent. Still, there are various myths and prejudices—for example, that only children of overprotective parents feel anxious. The truth is that it is highly individual and depends more on the child’s personality and temperament.
How can you help your child cope with separation anxiety?
Open communication, explaining the situation in simple words, and introducing regular routines for goodbyes and reunions can help. These routines matter because the child gets used to them and the situation becomes predictable.
It’s a good idea to give your child a comfort item (a favorite toy or stuffed animal) that can be their 'buddy'. Develop your child’s ability to be by themselves for a period of time. Start with short intervals and gradually lengthen them.
As noted above, separation anxiety is normal. Seek professional help if your child’s separation anxiety prevents normal daily functioning, is long-lasting, or too intense. Try to avoid rushed goodbyes in advance, do not leave secretly without saying goodbye, and do not ignore or downplay your child’s feelings. Separation anxiety is natural, and it is manageable.